I don't love you because I should. I don't love you because you loved me first. I don't love you because I'm lonely, or because you were able to turn this frown upside down...
I love you because even on my darkest of days, you bring the sun out of me. I love you because the way I feel about something matters to you. I love you because, I can tell you something about myself and you remember exactly what I said. Because before ever meeting my children you knew their names. I love you because you support me, even when you dont agree with what I am doing, you still support me. I love you because you make me feel safe, I dont have a worry in the world when I am with you. I love you because my life can be an ocean in the middle of a hurricane and all I have to do is look up and you are my lighthouse guiding me home. I love you not because I have to, I want to, but I never remember when I chose to, it happened, I felt it, I grabbed it, I looked at it and I said wow, this is it, this is love, this is really happening. I held it in my hands, I hugged it, I kissed it, It was everything I wanted and everything I never knew I needed. It was something I never had before. Then you stopped me in the kitchen and you were holding onto the same thing. You were smiling at it because you already knew, you knew for a little bit longer than I did and you chose to embrace it as well. As the days passed, the heavier it became, and more and more shit kept getting in its way.Shit is always going to get in its way, and somedays it is going to be heaver than other, but love now, its a choice. I am going to CHOOSE to love you every single day. I know you are going to do the same for me.
I know WE WILL get through this. I KNOW we will be just fine. For as much as we stumble we're still running, and as much as we run we're still here....
I love you, because you thought of me at Whitey.
I love you because I have a shirt, an album and another shirt.
I love you becuase a knock on the door and coffee is on the other side.
I love you because of the songs we share.
I love you because you smile, and when you smile, I smile.
I love you because I pick up hitchikers and youkeep me safe.
I love you because your heart is the size of montana.
Dont ever stop opening the door for me, Dont ever stop being honest with me, even when I dont want to hear honesty.
Dont ever stop grabbing my hand while I am driving.
Dont ever stop holding me while I sleep
Dont ever stop waiting for me......
I promise I will always love you
I promise I will always argue over who is going to pay
I promise you can count on me bringing home all the strays...
I promise Ill get so mad at you one second and curling up to you with puppy dog eyes the next
I promise I will never forget just how lucky I am
I promise I will continue to surprise you randomly with little gestures to let you know I am thingking of you and I love you
I promise anytime you give me, or plant me flowers Ill act like I just got a new diamond.
I promise that you will always be my safe harbor,
and I promise I will always find me way to you...
I love you
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
I Do....
STRANGERS!!!!!
Whoa! It's been such a long time!
I stopped writing and started using my actual written journal. /Feels better to actually write..and write to no one but myself, and whoever else after I am dead and gone. But, I have had this itch to write in here. So here I am.
Please excuse the grammatical errors, as I am free writing from the heart...
Jake, a man who I knew I loved the first time I saw him. I remember telling my girl friend who was with me the first time I saw him "I want you to put him under my Christmas tree" and later on that night he came and started talking to us. I didnt know at that time that we were sitting at his table. We left that night exchanging nothing but hugs. We would continue to see him out throughout the up coming months. Sometimes I had a guy with me, other times I was with friends. Sometimes random guys would come up trying to hit on me, and I would cold shoulder them until they got the point. One time I even told him that anytime he saw a guy talking to me that he should come up pretending to be my husband. Finally one night last year (16 months ago) I had a few drinks in me. The DJ was playing and it was so loud, he was with people, I was with different people at the other side of the bar. Our eyes met and I instantly stopped what I was doing and told the people I was with "I will be right back" and walked up to him and said "why havent you asked me for my number yet?" and he replied "Well, Ill ask right now, what is your number?" we exchanged numbers and I went right back to my spot. A little while later I went up to sing kareaoke (Beast of Burden of course) had the whole bar laughing at my attempt to be flirty and provocative, but there he was, he pulled up a seat at the closest chair to the DJ, and afterward I walked straight up to him and gave him an oh so romantic fist bump. Then hurried out the door, the people I came with were beyond ready to head to the next bar.
So now I had his number, I knew it wouldnt take long before we were alone together, getting to know one another.. lol right... I would text him 1-2x a week trying to get him to go out. And he always had a reason not to. It was the weekend my bestfriend from New Orleans was in town, roughly two months after getting his number. Her, my bestfriend from cincinnati and I were all riding to that same bar and my cinci friend asked what was goung on with him and my response was "I think he's gay, I keep asking him out and he keeps turning me down" and she says "oh so If a guy doesnt like you, then hes gay" hahah. damn right. Well, that night we were there and he came over and hung out by us. I went outside to smoke when Denise (NOLA friend) asked him what his deal was and he told her I was hard to read and he wasn't sure what my intentions were, she explained that I was crazy about him and he needs to grow some balls. Well NOLA friend was not feeling that bar (its a homey, cheers like bar and she wanted more party scene) so we are preparing to leave and I invite him to join us, already assuming its a no, and he says YES! The rest is downhill from there. Maybe 2 months later he was pretty much living here with me. Him and the kids hit it off instantly. He has always wanted a child of his own (maybe one day!!!) Him and I have always gotten along great. I trust him one million percent. He has a job hes been at for nearly a century. great with money. a little bit of a pot head, but a functioning one. We got married while on a mini vacation in Ga, we eloped. We had no plans on tying the knot that soon, but it literally just felt like the right thing to do.
Here are some pictures of the wedding photos we had taken once we got home...
Whoa! It's been such a long time!
I stopped writing and started using my actual written journal. /Feels better to actually write..and write to no one but myself, and whoever else after I am dead and gone. But, I have had this itch to write in here. So here I am.
Please excuse the grammatical errors, as I am free writing from the heart...
Jake, a man who I knew I loved the first time I saw him. I remember telling my girl friend who was with me the first time I saw him "I want you to put him under my Christmas tree" and later on that night he came and started talking to us. I didnt know at that time that we were sitting at his table. We left that night exchanging nothing but hugs. We would continue to see him out throughout the up coming months. Sometimes I had a guy with me, other times I was with friends. Sometimes random guys would come up trying to hit on me, and I would cold shoulder them until they got the point. One time I even told him that anytime he saw a guy talking to me that he should come up pretending to be my husband. Finally one night last year (16 months ago) I had a few drinks in me. The DJ was playing and it was so loud, he was with people, I was with different people at the other side of the bar. Our eyes met and I instantly stopped what I was doing and told the people I was with "I will be right back" and walked up to him and said "why havent you asked me for my number yet?" and he replied "Well, Ill ask right now, what is your number?" we exchanged numbers and I went right back to my spot. A little while later I went up to sing kareaoke (Beast of Burden of course) had the whole bar laughing at my attempt to be flirty and provocative, but there he was, he pulled up a seat at the closest chair to the DJ, and afterward I walked straight up to him and gave him an oh so romantic fist bump. Then hurried out the door, the people I came with were beyond ready to head to the next bar.
So now I had his number, I knew it wouldnt take long before we were alone together, getting to know one another.. lol right... I would text him 1-2x a week trying to get him to go out. And he always had a reason not to. It was the weekend my bestfriend from New Orleans was in town, roughly two months after getting his number. Her, my bestfriend from cincinnati and I were all riding to that same bar and my cinci friend asked what was goung on with him and my response was "I think he's gay, I keep asking him out and he keeps turning me down" and she says "oh so If a guy doesnt like you, then hes gay" hahah. damn right. Well, that night we were there and he came over and hung out by us. I went outside to smoke when Denise (NOLA friend) asked him what his deal was and he told her I was hard to read and he wasn't sure what my intentions were, she explained that I was crazy about him and he needs to grow some balls. Well NOLA friend was not feeling that bar (its a homey, cheers like bar and she wanted more party scene) so we are preparing to leave and I invite him to join us, already assuming its a no, and he says YES! The rest is downhill from there. Maybe 2 months later he was pretty much living here with me. Him and the kids hit it off instantly. He has always wanted a child of his own (maybe one day!!!) Him and I have always gotten along great. I trust him one million percent. He has a job hes been at for nearly a century. great with money. a little bit of a pot head, but a functioning one. We got married while on a mini vacation in Ga, we eloped. We had no plans on tying the knot that soon, but it literally just felt like the right thing to do.
Here are some pictures of the wedding photos we had taken once we got home...
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Im beginnig to think we are not compatible..
It feels like a lifetime ago, but I dreamt of it last night and woke up feeling like this was just yesterday...
"I'm beginning to think we are not compatible.."
Those were the words that left his mouth after I took a seat at the dinner table...
And instantly, without missing a beat, I agreed.
The fact of the matter is that were compatible, and we do make each other happy; but I have grown accustomed to pushing people away. I don't know why, and I don't even realize I'm doing it until Ive been doing it for a little while.
Why am I afraid? Afraid to love, afraid to be loved? Afraid to let someone see the dark sides of my soul.
I am starting to realize that I am a habitual "rebounder" as well. When things start to get bad, or end..I find myself thinking "onto the next one"
I am good, I am great. I am capable of loving and being loved in return. I love myself. I love my children. I love the sunny days, and the morning dew. I love the way rain feels when it hits your face. I love helping others who cannot help theirs elves. There is so much I love, why not love someone like I love those things? Is it because I don't love myself the way I should? Is it because I am afraid of commitment? Afraid of getting hurt? Why don't I let people see me cry?
The last time I cried, I cried in the shower, alone. I got out like everything was okay, and like I was just fine, when in reality I was falling apart. Shit, I am still falling apart.
I just don't know what to do. or what the hell is going on anymore. I haven't for a while...
"I'm beginning to think we are not compatible.."
Those were the words that left his mouth after I took a seat at the dinner table...
And instantly, without missing a beat, I agreed.
The fact of the matter is that were compatible, and we do make each other happy; but I have grown accustomed to pushing people away. I don't know why, and I don't even realize I'm doing it until Ive been doing it for a little while.
Why am I afraid? Afraid to love, afraid to be loved? Afraid to let someone see the dark sides of my soul.
I am starting to realize that I am a habitual "rebounder" as well. When things start to get bad, or end..I find myself thinking "onto the next one"
I am good, I am great. I am capable of loving and being loved in return. I love myself. I love my children. I love the sunny days, and the morning dew. I love the way rain feels when it hits your face. I love helping others who cannot help theirs elves. There is so much I love, why not love someone like I love those things? Is it because I don't love myself the way I should? Is it because I am afraid of commitment? Afraid of getting hurt? Why don't I let people see me cry?
The last time I cried, I cried in the shower, alone. I got out like everything was okay, and like I was just fine, when in reality I was falling apart. Shit, I am still falling apart.
I just don't know what to do. or what the hell is going on anymore. I haven't for a while...
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Then it hits you
Life has been REALLY good the last 3 weeks or so. I decided to stop stressing about my job, and to take everyday at a time, and to wake up with a 'conquer all' type attitude. With a smile on my face and love in my heart, and it has really worked.
I have some pictures from the past few months to share...
I have been two Nashville twice.
I have been to Florida twice as well.
I spent a girls weekend in Detroit.
Decided to cook 6 out of every 7 nights.
Have my first cruise coming up in May, girls cruise.
Going to celebrate my best friends birthday for a weekend in California in June.
I have cut most ties with my family, and have been 'adopted' by Ces and her family, for the first time I am seeing what it looks/feels like to be part of something that accepts me and my children as real family, not as a paycheck or a hand out, not for a source of gossip, not someone I have to work to the bone to impress. instead, someone who is there any day or time, any distance. Someone who never asks for anything in return. And so much more. We spent Christmas with her family, we took a big road trip to Florida and took the kids to Disney. I even spent Thanksgiving visiting friends, Kelsea and Zach in Panama City Beach, it was absolutely beautiful (and stressfree)
Anyway here are some pics of what you have missed....
I have some pictures from the past few months to share...
I have been two Nashville twice.
I have been to Florida twice as well.
I spent a girls weekend in Detroit.
Decided to cook 6 out of every 7 nights.
Have my first cruise coming up in May, girls cruise.
Going to celebrate my best friends birthday for a weekend in California in June.
I have cut most ties with my family, and have been 'adopted' by Ces and her family, for the first time I am seeing what it looks/feels like to be part of something that accepts me and my children as real family, not as a paycheck or a hand out, not for a source of gossip, not someone I have to work to the bone to impress. instead, someone who is there any day or time, any distance. Someone who never asks for anything in return. And so much more. We spent Christmas with her family, we took a big road trip to Florida and took the kids to Disney. I even spent Thanksgiving visiting friends, Kelsea and Zach in Panama City Beach, it was absolutely beautiful (and stressfree)
Anyway here are some pics of what you have missed....
Monday, February 27, 2017
Like a hurricane
wrapped up in this tiny body, that will come to you like a safe harbor.
Happiness.
Free spirited
Gypsy
Those four words describe the last 7 months.
Happiness.
Free spirited
Gypsy
Those four words describe the last 7 months.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
A song by Labrinth
I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain...
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind, 'cause
I wished you the best of
all this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive...
But I always thought you'd come back,
tell me
all you found was heartbreak and misery...
It's hard for me to say,
I'm jealous of the way...
You're happy without me 😔
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Confusion
God damn it.
What the hell am I doing?
Broken hearted. Confused. Questions. All the what ifs. All the "am I making the right decision?" How can you feel so sure about something, so confident, so strong any then the next day so confused, so unsure, so afraid..and then a week later the same feelings surface. All the wondering, doubting, fearing. Everyone I know told me all summer how I changed. How I was no longer the same person I once was. Well, I feel im really starting to lose that woman I used to be, and im afraid If I don't do something I'll lose forever.
I'm so hurt. So broken. So confused. I put on this shield disguising how broken I am. So I can be strong for someone wife. Because they need me. But is it ok to be hurt? Continuously? What about me?
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